When Logic is a Feeling

Image: ingredients of a hamburger suspended in the air between two hands, the image is flipped upside-down. (Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes on Unsplash (inverted))

I’d been told all my life I was smart. I read books about science; about space. Every day in kindergarten, I read the same book about space, because I wanted to learn to read all the words in that book. What I really wanted to be, when I grew up, was the person who designs the exhibits in science museums.

I liked art, but I didn’t like art museums yet because nobody had told me the stories behind all the paintings. All I saw was stuffy old things and weird shapes. …

It's not responsible at this point for me to continue giving you a platform on my own Medium page, especially considering that the vast majority of the harm that's being done to trans people right now won't touch me; I got mine, basically, I am physically safe, and that's why I can discuss these things without getting emotional. And that's not fair at all to those who haven't, and can't. …

Gift giving, gender roles, and parent-child trust

Family Dollar Christmas endcap (source: glassdoor.com)

Always that cheap, generic perfume and body wash set you get at the drug store because you can’t think of anything else. The more visibly masculine my presentation became, the more often I got that sort of gift: I could never tell if it was thoughtless or malicious. An attempt to coerce me into femininity with cheap garbage that would probably give me hives if I actually used it? Or a last-minute gift by someone realizing they know nothing about me except my gender?

Except they didn’t know that, either.

Of course, I knew that boys could use scented body…

How I Learned to Cook Filet Mignon From Garbage

bacon wrapped top sirloin and salad

We’ve got on gloves and headlamps. We can tell what’s in the bags, to an extent, by the texture and weight of the outside, but anything curious gets untied. Carefully, if possible. It’s important not to make a mess. We don’t want to give the owners a reason to shoo us away. They know people pick through their trash and they bag it up, often, in ways that make it easy for us.

The first few bags are usually a couple dozen loaves of bread, pastries, bagels, all loose in clean bags. They get set aside. Bread is abundant and…

About being trans, wearing clothes, and being a tiger

Image: a tiger; Photo by mana5280 on Unsplash

“I feel really threatened by FTM-vectored folks in male spaces/male-focused leather scenes. Like they were tigers or something

I read the message board and didn’t post because I was intimidated, too, by other queer people. I was intimidated by what outsiders now refer to as “social justice warrior” culture: people getting called out for being oppressive for saying ordinary, everyday things.

And that was the problem: Ordinary, everyday society was oppressive in ways that were actively harming members of the forum. The forum was intervening, so that harm would not continue. But I was still an outsider: a baby queer…

Yeah, it’s still OK to feel things about the little problems.

Content warning: graphic description of suicide

Image: a plastic grocery bag with a smiley face that reads “Thank You Have a Nice Day”

It escaped through the moon roof, into the humid Florida night.

As an adult, I found my roommate dead in her bed, naked, surrounded by kitchen knives, suffocated by a plastic bag. She had been there for two days and I, hoping to perform some miracle, attempted CPR.

My fingertips turned blue. Hers were black. I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole; not bringing her back but being drawn into the realm of the dead; losing myself in it. It was like a rift in the fabric of spacetime. A…

How to kill a mouse when someone you love is watching

Content warning: animal cruelty in the form of misguided attempts at humane pest control

Mousetrap by Evan-Amos on Wikimedia Commons, public domain image

The slumlord who owned the place clearly wasn’t going to take care of it.

Getting mice in your apartment is a true test of a relationship.

See, I’d been living alone, while the man I was dating at the time was abroad. I’d been taking care of the mice. I had tried a number of methods to get rid of them and unfortunately, the only ones that had worked were incredibly inhumane: glue traps.

The mice just weren’t going for the snap traps, or the tunnel…

The nonviolent benefits of violent rhetoric

Content warning: Casual ableist language, descriptions of real and fantasy violence.

TL;DR: Nothing in this essay condones violence, but discusses the use of violent rhetoric as a tool.

One of my earliest trans resources was the forum of the webcomic Venus Envy, about a teen trans girl who is able to get on estrogen at 16, written in 2001.

The ideas that my online communities held about what it meant to be trans were old-fashioned, even, though we looked down on others as old-fashioned.

Most of us, for example, didn’t think we deserved the right to use public bathrooms.

Most of us believed that it was right for us to be forced to go through years of therapy to access medical transition, and that some of us should be denied it…

It is and isn’t a big deal

Content warning: descriptions of my herpes

Photo by USGS on Unsplash

For context, because I am gonna start talking about my dick and some bad things that happened to it, I am a trans man.

So, the first time I got an STD it was pretty traumatic.

Most folks consider it more appropriate now to say STI instead of STD, because there’s less stigma attached to the concept of infection, vs. disease. Reducing stigma means people won’t be too ashamed to get tested and treated. …

Face Condoms and Face Panties

I am visiting a friend and infrequent fuckbuddy I haven’t seen in ages. I am wearing a disposable dust mask rather than a reusable one because I am helping him with some physical work and do not want to ruin my good masks.

The good masks, I realize, have become a new category of underwear. They are kept folded next to the socks and they truly resemble a form of panties that one would attempt to put on and wonder what sort of body they were meant for. …

trans activist pig, sex maze wizardfucker. (he/him)

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